NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
