I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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