Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
