??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
