My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
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I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
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Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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