if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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