I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
