Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
