things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
