they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
