Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
