Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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