can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
