The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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