I'm jealous of your bromance
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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