Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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