I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
