I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
