if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
