five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
