dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
