Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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