i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
