Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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