listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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