he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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