come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
