Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
