Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
