hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
