I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
