Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
