Cold hands, warm shart.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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