Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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