I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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