So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
