This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
