I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He is an equal opportunity slut.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
