The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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