We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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