I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it because I queefed?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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