before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
