hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
