I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
