A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
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WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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