someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
