When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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