Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
