He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
