I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
