I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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