I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
