Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
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It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
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I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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