I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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