Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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