omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
