I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
