You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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