No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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