Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
