If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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