Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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