i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
